if youre gonna read it, you might as well comment even if its just to say "you suck" or "go you". its just a paragraph i wrote when my little brother died.
Even hours before it happened; I had known it was coming. I told myself I was just nervous, worried about what I was listening for. But deep inside I knew. I knew there was a reason for this feeling. It was like pushing up towards the blade so the cut wouldn’t come as a shock. But it still did.
Isn’t it funny how you can plan and plan until everything is perfect; every defence is built, each of your senses waiting for an end, every nerve severed so you won’t feel a thing? But then they all just disappear. You hear what you’ve been dreading most and your armour comes crashing to your feet, awaking your severed nerves with furious screams of nothing. Just nothing fills the air as you try to hear the excuses, the “reasons”.
After I had tried to hear a few more times, I gave up and let the words channel straight through my mind. My ears surrendered and I was left trying to see what was happening. I knew it was going to happen, I told myself it would, but it was like a dream. A far away dream that seemed so detached from the reality that was burning in my eyes and throat.
The only rescue came from my freezing tears. Stony droplets tried to cool my sorrow, leaving smeared tracks down my cheeks. Trying to cool the scalding emptiness.
Someone leant forward to hug me. Couldn’t they smell me burning? Surely they could see the emptiness for it felt big enough to have swallowed me whole. I let them wrap me in their arms and let my mind sink into them, my tears rushing in a flurry of angry blows against their shoulder, trying to make them understand my hurt. But they just held me tighter.
I surrendered to the army of grief marching through my everything and let my knees give way. I was held up solely by the one holding me, their loving grip tight against my skin.
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